#i am fucking exhausted and hungry
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love is going to the more inconvenient train stop bc u want to spend more time with ur best friend then being stuck in a clusterfuck of a travel home
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Hey folks, got another something to consider here, especially in regards to the safety of minors in adult spaces.
Let me preface:
I started off with having computer access as early as 4 years old. Granted, it was purely on the children's games my parents would set up for me on the living room computer, and I didn't even know how to click because all the games required was you hovering over your choice with your cursor.
However, because I was thick in the nest of neglect- what with one of my parents working constant, back-to-back overtime, the other unable to give a damn- this set me up for catastrophe.
To play Devil's Advocate, both of my parents were immigrants who still, to this day, struggle with their own Internet usage because they just don't understand the severe consequences and ramifications of putting things online. Their home cultures didn't even HAVE the kind of tech Americans in the 70s-90s had, due to war, poverty, and manipulated economy.
It was only when they immigrated that they realized computers weren't exclusively for Westerners, and for the few scientists/politicians in their countries lucky enough to be entrusted.
However, there is no denying that, without parental supervision nor adult attention, I sought out what I needed elsewhere. What was more convenient than having that at the push of a button?
Just like them, I didn't know better.
Unlike them, it was because I was a child.
Because I was a child, unfortunately, I was ripe for the picking. You name it, I lived it. All the way down to almost being trafficked, by the same person who had been thick in primary school when I wasn't even born yet.
Thankfully, times are different now, and awareness of these issues has never been more prevalent. There are helplines, in-school education on Internet safety and abuse, and then some.
In addition, many adults- myself included- don't feel comfortable engaging in minor-targeted spaces, let alone with minors period.
Whether it's out of respect, out of traumatic experience, or other reasons, it doesn't matter as long as it isn't a harmful one (i.e "I hate kids", which yes, IS considerably harmful, as someone who heard such constantly as a child and thus felt less safe to tell adults about the abuse).
This leaves us adults to create our own spaces, where we often do and say things that are adult-oriented. Again, this is perfectly fine, as long as there is no harm coming from it.
What is not fine is how- despite the abundance of awareness and caution- there are minors who will sadly undergo a repeat of the cycle in our spaces. All despite the prevalent messaging of "keep minors out of adult spaces," and how many of us adults have some form of "Minors DNI" on our pages.
Again, having been there myself, I completely understand that neglect of ANY kind can make one look to the outside world instead of further into their unreliable inside group. Being alone, or even isolated/sheltered, is an inherently anti-social experience that our social animal brains cannot handle without succumbing to dissociation, "acting out," etc.
As children especially, we are wired to rely on adult attention for survival, and we do experience extreme psychological distress when that necessity isn't met.
Nevertheless, it truly is imperative for minors to understand the following:
Adults on the Internet will NEVER be a safe replacement for your own parents, families, guardians, teachers, etc.
Even if an adult is well-intentioned and otherwise on their best behaviour, there is no guarantee that their friends are the same. Digital abuse can, and does, often start by proxy, especially in fandoms.
We created these adult spaces to keep YOU safe. It is not an exclusive club that we are gatekeeping you from. You can join of your own accord once you're 18 or over.
This isn't to victim blame, nor to shame minors for seeking out what they should have been given since they were born.
There is a reason why it's up to adults to check ages, to make sure their age-restricted servers are watertight (which they never can be, so long as someone out there is being dishonest about their age/ID), and to avoid privately messaging minors period.
All the same, it's also up to minors to learn how to keep themselves safe. Not to the point of paranoia- you too will be an adult one day- but to the point of being able to protect yourself as both child and adult.
After all, predation doesn't stop once a fawn has grown into a deer, and adult protective services exist for good reason.
So, instead, minors ought to:
Seek out well-moderated spaces that are curated for minors with the safety of minors in mind (note: avoid self-proclaimed youth cults like the plague).
Learn what makes a safe friend and an unsafe one (i.e learn about the signs of abuse).
Never be afraid to block anyone who gives you The Ick (i.e gut feeling), especially if they're an adult or otherwise age ambiguous.
If someone makes you feel unsafe, tell a moderator ASAP, or simply block + report them. If you aren't taken seriously, escalate to their supervisor, and even go straight to the top if need be.
And 5., the most important:
If someone has committed a crime against you, DO NOT POST IT ONLINE, EVEN TO WARN OTHERS. REPORT TO YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITY ASAP.
If you do so and THEN go to the authorities, you will either not be taken seriously due to perceived ulterior motives on your part (ex. your post gaining significant external attention), or you could get into legal trouble yourself if failure to report and/or smear laws exist in your country.
As well, if you do report it- whether or not you're taken seriously, they have to make a case file by law and you must enforce your right to as much- the authorities will pick up on the pattern if ANOTHER victim makes their own report, and will hopefully escalate the situation then.
You can still denounce the actions and inactions of your local authorities, and use their services in a time of duress because they are the ONLY authority that has the resources to do something about it. You are not a hypocrite for keeping yourself safe and alive, and it's not your fault that alternative options do not exist.
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Though it always is up to adults to be responsible around minors, only YOU can curate your own Internet experience.
The block button is your bestest friend.
Use it well and use it often.
Cheers, thanks for reading, and be safe. 馃挏
#vee vibrates#youth liberation#youth rights#My skin still crawls from that one case where a 9 y.o used their mom's ID to get into an 1.8+ server and got gro艒med into sending n暖des.#Please keep yourselves safe and trust me when I say that it's not worth the severe trauma + chronic illnesses you WILL undoubtedly face.#No amount of adult validation will EVER fill that void your parents left in you BELIEVE me. You have to fill it yourself unfortunately.#Sidenote but having to reparent myself after all of this fucking sucksssssss but we live and we learn and we survive and we thrive.#I'm just grateful that I have a support network that helped not only close that hungry void but fill it with love & care.#digital abuse tw#trafficking tw#neglect tw#Ask to tag & yes minors can reblog my advocacy tags as long as they don't go looking through my blog. 馃挏#grooming tw#long post#Also posts* not tags hlgjfjflffh I am. Exhausted after writing this post lol the bad memories mannnnnnnnn.....
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely馃憤
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 馃檮#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
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i dont got a gaurdian angel or devil on my shoulder but i do imagine grandad (robert freeman) from the boondocks reacting to everything around me
#been like this for like two months now or something#everytime im too exhausted to get up but am like 'i need to get up to eat dinner' i hear grandads voice like#'have sleep for dinner youre getting fat anyway'#that sounds bad it sounds like i have an eating disorder or some shit that is not true. i love to eat im monkey d luffy irl and its not a#joke. me and wiener are fucking beasts we will go 20 minutes without eating and go gawd... im so hungry rn...#but sometime my demon of a bed traps me like quicksand again and im like i need to eat food.. but god sleep feels so good....#i love the have sleep for dinner youre getting fat anyway line okay it makes me laugh so fucking hard riley be starving af#pretty boy flizzy episode 馃槏馃槏馃槏#i think about the allowance line too all the fuckin time#you want an allowance? i ALLOW you to eat my food. i ALLOW you to burn my electricity. i ALLOW you to sleep in my bed!#robert freeman is so deadass i love him especially when he thought riley was gay and heard tom say all the good things about gay people and#and went 'damn thats a lot of good shit... nah still gotta disown him'#LOL#grandad was not rockin wit that gangstalicious manbag
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hey guys
#vent#just... gimmie a sec im gonna put it in the tags i cant find the readmore on my phone rn#im havin a straight up not good time but not the worst in the house!#the worst is my cat. whose old and dying. and i have no money to put to sleep to fuckin put us both outta this misery#typical. she cant get a heart attack and go fast like my moms dog#shes gotta wail and be ill for a month while im recovering from one surgery and trying to get ready for the next#its also an amazing time for my ocd that i learned i have from artists on hear explaining what it is to send me into spirals#over germs. but shes just 20 with teeth and respiratory issues her whole life and been struggling with constipation#so i KNOW how shes dying. shes backed up and hungry and dehydrated but feeling bloated still and not eating or drinking.#shes probably got arthritis and has been moving like a geriatric for a while but its to the point now she wont even lay down. shes just#perched on a pile of towels in the bathroom dozing and occasionally crying for me to come pet her. im so fuckin tired#and theres nothing i can do! the vet i could find a timeslot for in a reasonable time said 500$. so thats cool. im paying 1000$ for me in#a week for my stuff and its just. god all she and i are doing is crying and it sucks ass#she wants company for comfort and i dont blame her - so the fuck do i!#but i cant sit in the bathroom with her my damn legs keep going numb. and my roomate 1) cant emotionally buoy me thru this#and 2) has a long work day tomorrow and its already mad late. sigh#dont try to offer me condolences ive worked thru her dying already its just now we're botb exhausted in the form its taking#if anything i just need another distraction to keep me from spiraling over something again#edit: ARUGH AND THE OTHER CAT THROWING UP IN THE OTHER ROOM. GOD DAMN IT#the younger one has so many allergies and wont stop fucking eating things off the floor babygirl i am BEDRIDDEN you gotta stop eating shit#off the floor!!!!!!!! you have specialty food for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#awesome it was right in my bed
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I HOWL AND I WHINE, I'M AFTER YOU
#i have mentioned it briefly in the past but im sorry i have to speak it into the world before it shrivels and dies in my mind#it exists as a wip in my google docs but im afraid it will never get off the ground#basically it is vindemiator and fl making a desperate escape from the academy haven#chased and hunted by the enforcers and imperium!lasko#a little bit surreal a little bit horror a little bit thriller#its an exhausted vindemiator and fl running as fast as they can#kicking and tearing through traps#while the alarm sounds in the haven and the chase kicks off#pure adrenaline pure fear layered over with cruel vicious lasko doing his best supervillain mocking voice#FUCK i see it so clearly in. my mind#the soundtracl to all of this is 'hungry like the wolf' by duran duran#PLEASE listen to it it is exactly the vibe i am imagining#plus its just generally a banger#sigh. i have a mosquito bite on my ankle and its REALLY pissing me off
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#personal#soo ive discovered a giant hole in my back tooth because medicare doesnt cover dental except for children#and so i havent been since i was 21 and i try to maintain tooth health at home but im not very good at it#due to being raised wrong about it and also autistic and i cant afford even a basic clean and checkup#which is what i was actually looking in my mouth and deciding i need which would be about 300 bucks already#and now im scared to eat anything because i definitely cant afford to make this worse 馃檭#genuinely so much bad shit has happened and every time its like. ok ill pick myself up cause no one else will and dust off and things#will be fine in the end they always are and my heart believes this will be fine too but i dont remember the last time i was#this genuinely legitimately scared. im so scared and i dont know what to do#i know the next steps is to call dentists in my area tomorrow and check if they do medicare but i feel i already know the answer#idk if its better to have looked or to not and be able to live my life but its food time and i cant make myself eat#im scared to make it worse im scared of the pain that might cause im scared of the upward 2k damage costs if it gets worse#fuck#fucking fuck#okok panick attack over i have a two step plan: part one call around tomorrow and see if anyone takes medicare#part two: i have pliars and towels and painkillers and a lot of conviction in both my diy skills and my caring for my own wounds skills#in the mean time just be more dilligent to brush immediately after eating and ill grab mouthwash too as soon as i can as im currently out#i have a family friend whos a vet maybe theyve ripped out a rotted dogs tooth or two before and could help. but ill cross that bridge#when i get to it fir neow i should check with real dentists before making assumptions. and eat because ive been crying and shaking#and was already hungry and now am exhausted. from the aforementioned shaking and crying and need to eat even more#in all cases. dentist on medicare being the best obviously but in all cases im gonna ask to keep my tooth. unless i do it i dont need to ask#but i forgot when i had my wisdoms out a a few years ago. holy fuck that was like a decade ago actually wtf#ima make a necklace out of it since its just the one and not a pair#and just like that things will be fine. as expected as they always are once the panick mode is done im ok i have a plan and im good
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me: i feel a little better :) maybe i can do things now!
me as soon as i wake up: ah.
#a dot original#god help me im exhausted#and nauseous#storm dont look im about to talk about food things %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%#the good part about not eating enough most of the time. is that i dont feel hungry when i have Sickness That Makes Me Incapable Of Eating.#the bad part (other than the obvious) is that i do not have stored energy#so im just wiped flat.#JDDJJGJDJGD#*i know my eating habits are bad unfortunately i am too exhausted to make food most of the time#so i subsist on sandwiches and trail mix#and fruit.#unfortunately neither of these things are edible when im having issues keeping food in my body so. yknow. im a little fucked. hdjdjgkdgd
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It's almost 4 am and I'm literally about to go to bed now because I've been watching this whole mess and "peaceful" protest that's happening in Georgia right now but ANYWAYS thought I'd mention a random update on paper rings before sleeping lolz
alright so I'm having the worst writer's block ever ever ever and plus I wanna finish warhol's book and some school stuff and watch couple of movies (that my English teacher suggested and I need to discuss them with her later) till the spring break ends so I can't say when I'll post the new chapter, hopefully soon but i'm the worst promise keeper so i will not be making any promises<\\3
#fic: paper rings#i am sleep deprived#very very tired#and very hungry#and emotionally exhausted#politics fuck me uppp mann i'm not made for this shit#anyways goodnight or wtv
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Everything I learn about economics makes my life worse I just worked myself up so much my legs are heavier than after 6th grade Cooper test and my head is spinning simply out of pure outrage. All of it influences our life SO much and none of it is even REAL. We all just agree that money is real and makes some lives better and some worse even though it doesn't even exist anywhere. God I'm so mad
#venlapost#i articulated it soooooo well in my head i just gave a nobel-winning ted talk on money#and i an. exhausted. to say the least#I'm hungry also that shit took two hours and i haven't made dinner yet#but i just sat down and mannnnnn i can't stand up. to go to the kitchen#or i can but. man. i am SO tired#do not Google how a billionaire it a company's net worth is decided unless you want to get so angry you could just blow this whole place up#I'm not going to hold this opinion I'm about to state in the next tag anymore after i get something to eat but#maybe god was onto something with the flood#vent post#if someone has that like. blacklisted or something#?#i reiterate once more i am SO fucking mad#can't even scream at this point I'm past it I'm at the silent seething part#I'm past planning assassination I'm at the stage after it that realizes its futility and accepts it more begrudgingly than anyone has ever#my hands are shaking. as well#I'll try to get that fucking lasagna done#and seethe
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Had to bike home in -8掳F windchill and 1 inch of snow today. A 12 min bike ride took 22 mins. Man.
#speculation nation#i survived without injury or frostbite. though i am rather windchapped.#and very tired. and hungry. i think fighting for my life out there fucked me Up#i already ate smth but im gonna eat more. and then pass tf out. im like nearly loopy with exhaustion. man.
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,
#idk bro im so fucking exhausted#i went through the kitchen for somethig to eat i literally have nothing left but fucking mayo in the fridge 馃槶馃槶馃槶 i hate this#im just tired of a) having to ask for money and b) being hungry LMFAOOOO#i think its too much to ask at this point. i cant even go walk to the store for groceries because of how fuckass vroke i am
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wow...shoutout to my body for making me sleep for 16WHOLEASS FUCING HOURS aka an entire day normally spent awake
during the weekend you know the time where i have one half and one whole day off to do things i enjoy and not be at work for 10 hours :) that time :)
#txts#i am so pissed#and also exhausted#because my body is a bit fucked#from all this sleep#which also means i cant do brain stuff like leARN NEW THINGS TO SOMEDAY BREAK AWAY FROM RETAIL#i'd be more angry but i am too dizzy for that rip#gonna crawl my ass over to the fridge#kidk what i'll eat#but i need smth#i may not feel hungry#but i am pretty sure my brain needs...any nutrition again
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christ FUCKING alive
#grief.txt#i speak at a notmal volume and no one hears what i say#i speak loudly and its oh wow GRUMPY over here#im not fucking grumpy or i WASNT you just dont listen to what i SAY#and now my sibling is butthurt in their room hiding#my moms like theyre upset so not really hungry and dad goes upset over what and silence to what i assume was gesturing at me#but i already fucking went back to apologize bc i AM sorry i hurt their feelings#im just not sorry i got louder bc no one fucking LISTENS to me#and if im at a volume where they will i get accused of being mad or grumpy and that shits exhausting to deal with
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I finally finished fucking writing 5th chapter of paper rings what the fucking fuck was writing this fucking chapter I'm fucking exhausted
#crys writes#fic: paper rings#i am very exhausted#been writing that shit for over a week already#made me hate the fic fr#i'm gonna post it later (??) maybe (??)#and then fuck off and not touch PR for a while#i need a BREAK#Maybe i'll work on white collar au in meanwhile hmhmmmm#anywayyy i'm so hungry
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My stomach: hey I'm empty. Feed me.
Me: king you are specifically trying to get rid of anything I put in you and have been for almost 12 hours now. Fuck off.
#anyway. baby's first category 6 tummy event#also pepto bismol is yummy. and it's really fucking thick and heavy and doesn't sit great in an already rocky stomach#at least saturdays are my 'fuck you im doing nothing today' days#... i did just burp normally so i. might be on the mend. but i have had that thought many a time in the past few hours alone. and. well.#i just HAD to have a second bowl of ice cream last night. i fully believe that's why im in hell today#fuck im hungry bc i am so very empty but i don't wanna try eating anything yet#shouldn't be tough for me to get to sleep on time tonight tho since i will be so exhausted#but the cramping is subsiding enough for me to be able to look at screens again which is a good sign#i was way too overstimulated earlier to do anything other than pull my beanie over my eyes and . hope for the best
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